We laughed until our faces hurt. One quiet Sunday I pulled a box from the back of the hallway closet. I knew what it was the moment I touched it.
The slight crackle of the satin ribbon, the faint scent of cedar clinging to the edges. Our wedding photos. I sat on the living room floor and opened the lid.
There we were, frozen smiles and vows wrapped in white lace. His hands around my waist. My eyes full of dreams that had since burned to ash.
I didn’t cry. I didn’t even flinch. I slid each photo into a separate envelope and labeled the box.
To release. Then I drove to the donation center, handed it over without ceremony and walked away lighter. I stopped at a bookstore on the way home.
Bought a blank journal with a leather cover and thick ivory pages. That night I titled the first page. Plans that are only mine.
I wrote in it every evening. Some entries were long. Some just a single word.
But every one of them belonged to me. By the time Christmas came around again, the air inside the house smelled like cinnamon and pine instead of tension. The dining table was smaller, cozier.
No theatrical centerpieces. No wine glasses used as weapons of charm. There was laughter.
Real laughter. The kind that bubbles up without effort. Beth brought her toddler who kept dropping mashed potatoes on the floor and yelling, oh, with the pride of a magician pulling off a trick.
My dad carved the turkey while Elena tried and failed to make vegan gravy. Jenny brought a date, her first in a year, and I didn’t feel envious. I felt full.
And next to my sister’s son sat a brand new high chair, white with little yellow stars, holding the love of my life. My daughter. She had his eyes, maybe.
But the rest? All mine. Her cheeks were full and pink from the cold. Her tiny fingers gripped the edge of her tray while she babbled nonsense like it was the most important speech ever given.
I didn’t spend the evening watching the door. I wasn’t checking my tone. I didn’t rehearse answers in my head or wonder if someone’s compliment might trigger a jab.
I was present. Every bite of food. Every shared glance.
Every story told between courses felt like a celebration, not of survival but of something new. After dinner, I curled into the armchair by the fireplace, my daughter asleep on my chest, her tiny breaths warming the fabric of my sweater. Everyone else had drifted to the kitchen or gone out for a late walk.
But I stayed behind, holding her, surrounded by the kind of peace that used to feel fictional. I took a sip of my cocoa and whispered to her softly. He said I’d be nothing without him.
She stirred slightly, her fingers curling. I kissed her forehead and smiled. Turns out, I murmured, I’m everything without him.